so I've realized

that I am not motivated.

I have very few cares.

I truly care for only a few people, and that rarely includes even myself

I certainly don't care for make-believe people, like children I may or may not have some day

not to say that I wouldn't care for them, I just don't right now.

I don't have big plans

none

little things make me happy, and thats it.

I want to read about things in books...and I want to listen to my favorite songs

And I wouldnt care if I didnt graduate and I couldnt pay off my debts and I was broke and I lived on the street...

...because I don't have a plan that I like more than that.

I don't desire much.

I have a loving woman who I love. If I didn't I'd still be me, and I'd still be okay, but I do.

I have about 2-3 friends who are my friends earnestly. I don't need more, but it wouldn't bother me to have more, I wouldn't care.

I have books that I like to read and ones that i want to read.

I have video games and movies that interest me.

I like to play chess.

I enjoy running, and fresh air.

I like my guitars, but I have no interest in making music for the enjoyment of others.

I love to sleep.

That is it.

No dreams. No hopes. I am much more content than you will probably ever be.

I like big expensive things. But I don't particularly want any of them.

I hate money

I hate the telephone

I hate jobs

I hate school

I don't care if I ever have a family

I would like to be married, but I don't have any kind of plans for it.

Most people would probably call this laziness.

They'd be wrong though.

I simply don't see the self-imposed importance that all you people put on so many equally trivial parts of your lives

Sure, they're important to you.

But only because you've made the decision that they will be.

I see no reason to make such decisions.

Don't you want to be able to support your family one day?      Don't care about them, haven't even met them yet, they may never exist.

Don't you want to be able to buy nice things?     What are nice things though? Who decides they are nice? Do you have to buy something for it to be nice? Do I want them more because they are nice? Do I need nice things?

Don't you want to do something with your life?      I want to do the things that make me happy. Is it not okay for me to do so because they are not important to others? Or I don't need a degree to do them? Or they don't make me any money? Or they can't provide for people? Or they can't help me get more stuff?

There's a question rising up in there.

Is doing something measurable the only way to legitamize a person's means to happiness?

You can only be doing something to make yourself happy that's not lazy if your happiness comes from the money you make, however much it is, and whatever job it is you have. Without a job, you simply can't be happy. Everyone else has jobs. You're not allowed to be happy without a job, without a purpose, so go find a job so you can be happy. You're happy how you are? No, go find a job now, and then you can be happy.

Its just like Grandma Death said, everything on earth dies alone.

It's not scary. Life wouldn't be so beautiful if death wasn't also beautiful.

But the point isn't actually that.

Its that living for the family and the wife and the children, and saving and working and earning and building a life is fine, but only if thats the way you want to be. If you want to plan you life, cast your die, and try and steer the mofrakkin mess, best of luck.

To me, it seems sometimes selfish in a way.

You take everything you do in life, and you say you are doing it for someone else, in the future, for their future, and it gives you a permenant cop-out to succeed at any cost.

Think about how many evil things have been done because people wanted to prepare for the future.

Not only that, but it doesn't seem like thats even a life at all.

Its like its jumping ahead.

Moving too fast.

Youre trying to take care of a part of your life and the lives of others before it even arrives

Youre trying to get a head start on your life.

Some places actually use that as a slogan.

What a horrible slogan.

A head start to living only means a head start to dying.

And while youre alive you never have to be alone, and God bless you, you never should.

Because when you die, after rushing to get a head start on all the beautiful chance events that unfold this way and that way,

you still die alone.

and what comes next, well opinions definitely differ.

One more thing Im not worried about.

so...

I hope you can sometimes do something for your life

to make it a life and not a preparation for life.

because you have been very miseducated.

And should you decide, to make big plans,

as most of you will,

I only hope you do it, with the knowledge that it was your choice, that it was a choice, and that it was the best one to make your life happy.

because only you can let yourself be happy.

no doubt about it.

Since no one reads this anymore...

...I thought I'd post something for those rare few who actually stumble upon this.

A "Sort-of-secret-but-not-really" blog entry I suppose.

I am very turned around about life right now.

Just when you think it is going one way, you get flipped on your head.

I moshed a lot lately, which helped get a lot of stress out.

So now I'm just contemplative.

I wonder if someone out there is gonna be happy with me.

Ahhh life

you twist and turn me so

I have all these feelings inside me right now that I don't know what to do with.

I have hurt that I can't really talk about, which causes the stinging

I have a little angst that won't leave me alone

I have some confused ideas about what is next

I have some happiness about some new friends

and I have a warm feeling in my chest for someone new and interesting

and all I really want to do is relax

...because I'm totally 21 which means, that as usual, life is flying by me way too fast

good grief charlie brown, I'm a senior again

why is the sky so blue, and why am I so colorless?

Here's to the nights we felt alive

none of it was my fault, and if I say that, you should take it as fact.

old friends don't want to fix things, not my problem

I miss Derek, and Pa, and Buster Jr.

and Jon, but I'll most likely see him sooner

Heres to the tears we knew we'd cry

going to see spiderman 3 with my mom

wont have to sit front row this time im sure

sometimes I drink a lil so my tremors stop,

course maybe I just think they do

I don't have any other way to lose them anymore

tomorrow's gonna come too soon

amen father,

bring on the peace

in case you didnt know

I have a myspace now

its at:

http://www.myspace.com/xBreathing_x_Deepx

go check wit it

doing better today....definitely sicker....but better overall

******

don't read this if you feel like you need to help someone, or if you overreact to my occasional depression swings, or if you want to try to help....this ones just for me to talk....dont wanna hear it? I don't blame ya.

I don't know.

It's so hard....to go on every day. To be nice and happy and stable and not to just throw things and scream at everything you hate.

I hate being me. I'm sorry, I know I'm a lucky guy...I know every single reason why I should love being me. OR at least like it.     But I don't. I can't stand myself. I don't care if you think I'm awesome or If you hate me...or if you just think I'm a nice guy...that's great. But, I think I suck at life....and right now life is killin me anyway.

Pa is going to leave soon...    I miss him so much....and I can't even ever hardly go to visit him alone cause someone else is always there....it's not fair. It's just not fair. I almost don't want to go anyway....I feel like Pa is really gone already...and that just makes it worse.

I feel like I was barely able to scratch the surface of Derek's wisdom before he died. He died and I didn't get to say goodbye or even tell him how much I appreciated him being my friend, and even though I know he knew.....It's hard...very hard.

I hate school.

I love wright state. But, I hate being in school. I still feel like I'm completely out of place. I'm now worried that once I do finally finish school...I won't be happy with what I will then have to do for quite a few years to pay back what has been spent on college. What a horrible world our parents and our parents parents and so on, have created for us. We are all trapped. Whether you feel like it or not, is individual.

I feel lied to a lot. I hate being lied to. That's why I don't do it.

Also, I feel a bit confused about the past two years of my life.

While I know God has my life in his hands...I wonder what all this was for.

I feel as though I've grown a lot, only to find myself alone. Not that I am not loved...but that there seems to be a wall that is keeping love from me. I can't feel it, and I can't find any answers for anything anywhere.

It's like my life has become a sad puzzle with no answer. I get out of bed and find almost no reason to do anything, and about the most enjoyment I can get is 42 minutes of a TV show I like, before I turn back into myself....and I say "well, what now?"

"Should I get up today?"

"Should I even go see them?"

"Should I do this, or do nothing?"

These have become questions I find myself asking much too often.

Most sadly I think, is I honestly now cannot say whether I will enjoy anything before I do it. I don't know if I would enjoy going to a movie or to a game or a concert, or if I'd rather sit and not think about anything, except for how completely purposeless I feel.

I don't know.  When I go to bed, I don't care about waking up.

I just want someone to look at me and smile like they really like being near me.

Even if it only lasts for a second.